While the rest of the nation waits to learn if it will ever get to read the final report of the special counsel Robert S. Mueller III, and debates whether a recent letter written by Attorney General William P. Barr provided an adequate overview of the two-year investigation and its results, “Saturday Night Live” is here to tell you what it all means.
In its opening sketch this weekend, Robert De Niro returned to “S.N.L.” in his recurring role as Mueller, composing his report, which, section by section, was then summarized by Barr (Aidy Bryant), which in turn was distilled into a tweet posted by President Trump.
Each performer offered an introduction at the start of the sketch. De Niro said, “Dear Attorney General Barr, officials from the Justice Department and esteemed members of Congress.”
Bryant said, “Hey, guys, William Barr here. You might want to sit down for this one.”
And Baldwin said, “Guess what? Guess what? Guess what? Daddy is about to freak.”
The sketch continued in this round-robin fashion, setting up exchanges like these:
De Niro: “I am submitting these 380 pages.”
Bryant: “I am writing almost four pages.”
Baldwin: “I am reading zero pages, but Sean Hannity has read it and he was so excited that he texted me an eggplant.”
De Niro: “On the charge of obstruction of justice, we have not drawn a definitive conclusion.”
Bryant: “But I have, and my conclusion is: Trump’s clean as a whistle.”
Baldwin: “Free at last, free at last.”
De Niro: “As for conspiracy or collusion, there were several questionable incidences involving the president’s team, but we cannot prove a criminal connection.”
Bryant: “No collusion, no diggity, no doubt.”
Baldwin: [blows an air horn]
De Niro: However, we have indicted 34 individuals in connection with this probe”
Bryant: “Most of them, very good people.”
Baldwin: “The pardons are already in the mail.”
De Niro: “In conclusion it is my hope that this report will be made public, with a few redactions.”
Bryant: “Hella redactions.”
Baldwin: “We’re going to black out everything except the words ‘no’ and ‘collusion.’”
“S.N.L.” returned to the subject of the Mueller report in another sketch later in the evening, this time from the perspective of the Russian president Vladimir Putin (Beck Bennett) as he sheepishly acknowledges to his underlings at the Kremlin that Trump is not one of his agents.
Pleading his case to the North Korean leader Kim Jong-un (Bowen Yang, an “S.N.L.” staff writer) and an interpreter (played by guest host Sandra Oh), Bennett said, “We don’t know everything in the report yet. Plus, Mueller handed off a lot of stuff to the Southern District of New York. That’s where the real action is.”
Interpreting for Yang, Oh replied to him, “Glorious Leader says you sound like Rachel Maddow right now.”Weekend Update Jokes of the Week
At the “Weekend Update” desk, the anchors Colin Jost and Michael Che continued to riff on the fallout from Barr’s letter.
Well, this week made me feel insane. All the people I was told were bad guys all got away with it. Donald Trump, Jussie Smollett and worst of all, Duke. The big story, of course, was that white O.J. was not indicted for collusion. And that Robert Mueller did not reach a conclusion about whether Trump obstructed justice. Or, as it was reported on Fox News, [plays a montage of smiling Fox News personalities, set to Kool & the Gang’s “Celebration”]. I haven’t seen Fox News anchors smile like that since I.C.E. agents pulled into a Home Depot parking lot. So, Trump found out that he’s not getting indicted in the Russia investigation, and I’m sure that he was grateful that it’s all over, and he’s completely ready to move on. [Plays video of Trump saying, “All of the Democrat politicians, they have to be held accountable.”] Wow. It’s like if Scrooge woke up on Christmas morning, discovered he had a second chance at life, then found Tiny Tim and took a crowbar to his good leg.
Man, I can’t believe I actually thought for a second that the F.B.I. was going to lock up the sitting President of the United States, simply because he’s guilty. I think it’s ’cause I’m around white people all the time. And white people have this thing I call toxic optimism. It’s the kind of optimism that makes you believe you can get into college because your mother’s Aunt Becky. I’m sure Aunt Viv’s kids don’t have that much optimism. Black people just aren’t that optimistic. I said the phrase “checks and balances” to a black lady and she rolled her eyes at me for so long, I thought she fell asleep.Weekend Update Deskside Segment of the Week
Cecily Strong returned to the “Weekend Update” desk as the Fox News host Jeanine Pirro, celebrating her return to television after she was rebuked by her own network and temporarily taken off the air after she questioned the loyalty of a Muslim lawmaker.
As Strong said, “This Mueller report completely exonerated the president and therefore everybody on the Trump Train. So somebody at Fox News said my name into a bathroom mirror three times and here I am.”
She went on to thank her “superfans,” describing them as “mean, horny men laying in hospital beds and white prison gangs who control the remote on Saturday.” When Jost told her she didn’t have to shout, Strong replied, “Mama’s got one volume and it’s three Chardonnays deep at a crowded party.”Fake Commercial of the Week
It seemed inevitable that this week’s “S.N.L.” would have a sendup of “Us,” the hit horror movie written and directed by Jordan Peele. But it did so in a surprisingly clever fashion: This filmed commercial seemed to be a parody of a Discover credit card campaign, with a woman (Ego Nwodim) informing her spouse (Kenan Thompson) that some weird charges have recently turned up on their bill and she’s calling the company. “With Discover Card, you get to talk to a real person who’s just like you,” she says cheerfully.
But the operator she reaches is her doppelgänger (also played by Nwodim) — an estimable recreation of the evil duplicate played by Lupita Nyong’o in “Us.” Nwodim tells the operator that someone used her credit card to buy a bunch of red jumpsuits, motorcycle gloves, hundreds of rabbits and giant scissors. In a halting voice, the evil doppelgänger replies, “When you go on vacation … I sit in … a cave.”Jussie Smollett Sketch of the Week
Only a few days after prosecutors made the controversial decision to drop all charges against Jussie Smollett, the “Empire” co-star who had been accused of staging a hate crime, “S.N.L.” presented a sketch about the actor that nonetheless made no mention of these recent developments.
In the sketch, Chris Redd plays Smollett, arriving late to a meeting with his manager (Sandra Oh), the “Empire” co-creator Lee Daniels (Kenan Thompson) and other executives (Kate McKinnon, Ego Nwodim and Mikey Day) who are trying to have him fired from the show. But Redd insists he has recently been the victim of another mysterious crime. Reaching into a bag, he says, “Look, guys! The killer — he left me a bunch of clues!”
McKinnon asks, “What killer?”
Day adds, “You’re still alive, Jussie.”
You decide if the sketch was too soon or too little, too late.B:
【仙】【尊】【莫】【动】84 【第】【八】【十】【四】【话】【天】【下】【第】【一】【美】【男】【子】 【竹】【清】【漠】【拿】【起】【女】【装】【观】【察】【一】【会】，【犹】【豫】【一】【下】【看】【向】【盘】【坐】【闭】【眼】【仙】【风】【冷】，【拿】【起】【服】【装】【走】【到】【仙】【风】【冷】【面】【前】【开】【口】【道】：“【仙】【尊】~” 【仙】【风】【冷】【睁】【开】【浅】【淡】【蓝】【眸】，【入】【眼】【便】【是】【穿】【女】【装】【穿】【到】【一】【半】，【露】【出】【一】【大】【部】【分】【肌】【肤】【竹】【清】【漠】。 【顿】【时】【竹】【清】【漠】【将】【左】【脚】【搭】【在】【他】【身】【边】【露】【出】【大】【白】【腿】，【仙】【风】【冷】【只】【感】【觉】【到】【脑】【里】【充】【血】，
【上】【一】【次】【在】【民】【间】【大】【神】【委】【员】【会】【的】【闯】【关】，【楚】【封】【天】【已】【然】【闯】【荡】【出】【名】【声】，【委】【员】【会】【的】【几】【位】【大】【佬】【也】【承】【认】【了】【他】【副】【会】【长】【的】【身】【份】，【只】【是】【还】【差】【一】【个】【仪】【式】，【龙】【水】【君】【自】【然】【也】【想】【到】【了】【这】【些】，【所】【以】【特】【意】【为】【其】【举】【办】【了】【一】【场】【继】【任】【活】【动】。 【时】【间】【定】【在】【周】【五】，【除】【了】【会】【内】【的】【几】【位】【大】【佬】，【还】【有】【其】【他】【分】【部】【的】【代】【表】【一】【同】【前】【来】【见】【证】【副】【会】【长】【的】【继】【任】【仪】【式】。 【当】【然】【赏】【金】【猎】【人】【联】【盟】【也】
“【苏】【木】【你】【知】【道】【我】【是】【有】【多】【么】【的】【爱】【你】【吗】，【我】【爱】【你】【爱】【的】【都】【已】【经】【失】【去】【自】【我】【了】，【可】【是】【就】【算】【是】【我】【这】【么】【痛】【苦】【了】，【但】【是】【你】【还】【是】【没】【有】【爱】【上】【我】【啊】！【既】【然】【你】【不】【爱】【我】【的】【话】，【那】【我】【也】【不】【可】【能】【让】【其】【他】【的】【人】【得】【到】【你】【的】【爱】【的】。” 【这】【么】【说】【着】【向】【晚】【的】【眼】【睛】【中】【也】【是】【快】【速】【的】【闪】【过】【了】【一】【片】【猩】【红】，【接】【着】【就】【在】【欧】【子】【墨】【和】【苏】【木】【没】【有】【从】【她】【的】【深】【情】【告】【白】【中】【反】【应】【过】【来】【的】【时】【候】，【就】【已】澳门小神仙一2017【后】【面】【的】【视】【频】，【是】【一】【个】【女】【孩】【儿】【的】【自】【白】【视】【频】。 【女】【孩】【儿】【鼻】【子】【上】【面】【都】【被】【打】【上】【了】【马】【赛】【克】，【声】【音】【也】【做】【了】【变】【声】【处】【理】。 【但】【能】【看】【出】【来】【她】【不】【是】【庞】【曼】【烟】，【只】【是】【跟】【庞】【曼】【烟】【年】【纪】【差】【不】【多】【大】【的】【一】【个】【姑】【娘】。 【视】【频】【中】，【她】【坐】【姿】【端】【正】，【一】【字】【一】【句】【帮】【庞】【曼】【烟】【解】【释】。 “【我】【是】【炊】【烟】【袅】【袅】【这】【个】【账】【号】【的】【使】【用】【者】，【我】【不】【是】【庞】【曼】【烟】。” “【微】【博】【里】【面】【的】【那】【几】
【伤】【势】【日】【益】【沉】【重】【的】‘【太】【妃】【娘】【娘】’【在】【太】【医】【们】【的】【悉】【心】【调】【教】【之】【下】，【终】【于】【走】【到】【了】【人】【生】【尽】【头】。 【在】【临】【死】【之】【际】，【一】【场】【大】【火】，【将】【她】【烧】【得】【尸】【骨】【无】【存】。 【天】【宗】【皇】【帝】【再】【次】【震】【怒】，【这】【一】【次】【有】‘【太】【妃】【娘】【娘】’【的】【遗】【愿】【在】【前】，【并】【没】【有】【迁】【怒】【太】【多】【的】【人】，【只】【是】【责】【罚】【了】【几】【个】【伺】【候】【的】【宫】【女】【太】【监】，【将】【几】【个】【看】【病】【的】【御】【医】【降】【了】【职】。 【薛】【寒】【初】【从】【宫】【中】【脱】【身】，【与】【曲】【小】【风】【消】
【落】【歌】【不】【知】【自】【己】【沉】【睡】【了】【多】【久】，【迷】【迷】【糊】【糊】，【每】【次】【睁】【眼】【都】【身】【处】【一】【片】【迷】【雾】，【闭】【上】【眼】，【再】【睁】【开】【时】，【依】【旧】【是】【一】【片】【迷】【雾】。 【直】【到】【这】【一】【次】，【睁】【开】【眼】【的】【第】【一】【时】【间】，【一】【张】【熟】【悉】【的】【脸】【便】【撞】【入】【她】【的】【眼】【帘】。 【那】【是】【一】【张】【她】【永】【远】【也】【不】【会】【忘】【记】【的】【脸】。 【他】【抱】【着】【她】【离】【开】，【他】【的】【怀】【抱】【一】【如】【既】【往】【的】【温】【暖】。 【他】【给】【她】【取】【名】：【落】【歌】。 【她】【哑】【哑】【学】【语】【时】，【喊】【出】
“【希】【望】【我】【能】【够】【看】【穿】【战】【争】【迷】【雾】！” “【希】【望】【我】【能】【够】【获】【得】【额】【外】【的】【两】【套】【装】【备】【栏】！” “【如】【果】【不】【能】【两】【者】【共】【存】，【还】【是】【最】【希】【望】【我】【能】【够】【看】【穿】【战】【争】【迷】【雾】。【另】【外】【如】【果】【可】【以】【额】【外】【获】【得】【装】【备】【栏】【自】【然】【最】【好】，【哪】【怕】【少】【一】【点】【也】【没】【关】【系】！” 【这】【一】【次】，【周】【小】【波】【的】【愿】【望】【再】【次】【有】【了】【改】【变】。 【之】【所】【以】【这】【样】【选】，【是】【因】【为】【这】【一】【局】【周】【小】【波】【变】【成】【了】【辅】【助】，【而】【非】【上】【单】